There are two Halloween things that I will probably always want to do: one is to eat chocolate – especially the discounted chocolate AFTER Halloween, because cheap sugar is all a gal ever needs – and the other is to watch horror movies, even though it is one of my most awkward relationships because I watch a scientifically definitive 70% of such movies through my hands that are obviously covering my eyes. While I am a bit of wimp when it comes to gratuitous gore and exorcism, I’ll always attempt to watch nearly horror film that comes my way.
So when Man Crates, a California-based company that distributes gifts for men in crates that – get this – can only be opened with a crowbar, challenged me to come up with a horror movie survivor crate, I thought “Yeah, okay, I’m Jaime Lee Curtis, no assembly required for this final girl!” …but then I realized that Jaime Lee Curtis didn’t have a cell phone during her scream queen days, which is the only reason I’d ever feel confident of living through a murderous Halloween night.
Given that I would hypothetically stake my life on a mobile device, I would probably need a lot of things to survive a horror movie, least of all some better hand-eye coordination and some track and field training. Since that can’t be packed in a crate, I thought I’d share with you some select personal items that I would add to your otherwise standard crate (axes, net traps, instructions for net traps, chainsaws, safety goggles, Taylor Swift’s squad, etc).
Note: For different horror movie scenarios you would need different things. For instance, I would include a spare foot, needle and thread in my crate if I was in a Saw movie. Another example is if I was in a haunted house, for which I would ensure that I have a directory app with the numbers of every religious leader who could bless my house downloaded on my phone (that’s a thing, right?)
I’m inspired by the last horror movie I saw, The Final Girls, which parodies a classic Jason Vohorees-style horror movie, so my crate would be built to survive that type of scary movie.
Item #1: A sturdy but comfortable pair of sneakers
I have a really, really hard time believing that in thriller/horror films, the female characters are able to run in six inch stiletto, booties, or any other sort of footwear with a heel to escape the killer/stalker/dinosaur etc (but granted, I could use a few lessons in high heel athletics). If I’m on the run, I need the right kicks to make sure I don’t kill the arch in my foot because when I survive, I don’t want to be stuck in physiotherapy for the rest of my life. Run fast, but run safely too.
Item #2: Endless espresso/energy drinks
Admittedly, this may not be the best idea – have you ever taken back-to-back caffeine with the sole purpose of staying awake? I did it a number of times when I was pulling all-nighters during my undergrad and besides the delusional sense you get after three consecutive caffeine hits, your focus tends to go haywire. This could mean sloppy mistakes on my part, but I’m determined that there’s a way to offset those terrible effects and ensure that such energy supplements can be used wisely and effectively.
Item #3: Gasoline/Matches/lighter
When in doubt, just find a covert corner, meditate for a quick sec and tap into your inner-pyromaniac. Then just light everything on fire because no serial killer can escape fire (but make sure you map out an escape route so you can watch everything burn from a distance.)
Item #4: A hammer
I feel like in movies, when we meet the love interest/potential antagonist/murderer, the protagonist is usually fixing something outside, or gardening, or working on a car, or creating a stage set for the school play, or something and they have an awkward-cute encounter. I’d want a hammer to nail some stuff down on my front lawn and show to my future creepy boyfriend that yeah, I’m pretty and I’m in the skills trade…especially if it means I can use such tools for defence purposes. Worst-case date scenario, of course.
Item #5: Mints
This is my horror movie and if my life is being threatened, I should be promised a close, quasi-romantic encounter with the creepy boyfriend or “the cute best friend”, which means yeah, I’ll need breath mints. They’re less noisy than a gum packet, easy to carry and if need be, I can try the Mentos-Coca Cola rocket thing and create a diversion to escape from the likes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Charlie Hunnam, Tom Hiddleston, etc.
Item #6: A Portable Cellphone Charger
Just a reminder that this is coming from a girl who said from the get-go that a cellphone gives her the confidence to survive, so I need to ensure that thing is turned on at all times and that I can SnapChat my entire escape from the Forbidden Forest/murder house on Elm Street/Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl.
Item #7: Dark Lipstick
Nothing like some Film Noir to make a girl feel aesthetically confident as a Final Girl because no one wants to mess with a girl in dark lipstick. I can also use it to write stalker-type messages on the mirrors of my co-stars/friends. So wait, am I now also the unsuspecting villain in this story?